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LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?WITNESS: No. I tell you, I'm too excited. LAWYER: Do you drink when you're on duty? Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? LAWYER: Ok, thank you, no more questions. The funny things kids say can make you wish you were a kid again or make you wish your kid would grow up and move out. the movie directed by Edgar Wright with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost? Witness: Yes. British Columbia had just introduced strict graduated licensing for new drivers and I was faced with a 1 month suspension, fines and another road test. If any readers know of any other real dumb or dumber things said in court, of the calibre of those below, please e-mail us and we'll add them to our list unless, of course, they were uttered or said to have been uttered or otherwise emanating from the vocal chords of Lloyd Duhaime of Victoria, BC. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. I’ll pencil in some time to cry about it later . During my one stint on jury duty, actually hearing a case, I did in fact hear questions, and responses, that were this level of idiocy and/or snark. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? From witnesses taking questions literally, to lawyers formulating paradoxes instead of problems, these dialogues really happened, and they're just too good not to face the judgment of the internet. Well,it is obvious isn't it. Right now, I’m busy enjoying my life. Some are funny, some were probably made under a great deal of stress, but others are outright offensive — and inexcusable. HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WASNT WEARING ANOTHER MASK UNDER HIS MASK?!? *creepy background music*. Whether they are asking the tough questions about life or having a chat with their toys, sometimes the craziest things come out of the mouths of babes. Please check link and try again. I can imagine lawyers with all sorts of clients.... LAWYER: Do you drink when you're on duty?WITNESS: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. MR HANKS: Change of instructions, your Honour. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 7. There was something written on the side of it.LAWYER: And what did the writing say?WITNESS: 'Winchester'! February 1, 2012 ... judges have called out Scientology repeatedly over the … To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. – District Judge … Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. She's also glad that her Bachelor’s degree in English Philology didn’t go to waste (although collecting dust in the attic could also be considered an achievement of aesthetic value!) LAWYER: And what did he do then?WITNESS: He came home, and next morning he was dead.LAWYER: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? Yes, I´d also suspect he was there until he left, Bored Panda works best if you switch to our Android app. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. LAWYER: Were you acquainted with the deceased?WITNESS: Yes sir.LAWYER: Before or after he died? “Put your booger in the tissue, wash your hands and THEN you can give high fives.” —@knell926 “We don’t put carrots up our nose.” @katieellis1209 Giedrė is an avid fan of cats, photography, and mysteries, and a keen observer of the Internet culture which is what she is most excited to write about. – District Judge … When I woke up after getting my wisdom teeth taken out in high school, I demanded to have my teeth back so that I could sell them on Ebay. 7. Maybe there is. Daschel Hammet would have been proud. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. “I wasn’t talking to you” the judge replied. Using the oath as a perfect reason to make a joke. Be sure to check out “Disorder in Court” for more funny court stories. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me? The defendant herein is a truck, The vehicle is a pick-up, Alleged by a fed To be found in a bed Of marijuana, caught in the muck. – Ann Landers. Micheal Jackson's first court appearance. This witness took the oath to tell the truth very seriously! LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide? Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? Judge Sheehan noted that the news made him “happier than a tick on a fat dog because [the Court] is otherwise busier than a one-legged cat in a sandbox and, quite frankly, would have rather jumped naked off a twelve-foot stepladder into a five-gallon bucket of porcupines than have presided over a trial of the herein dispute, a trial which, no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a … 20 of the Funniest Things Lawyers Have Actually Said in Court (1 votes, average ... court, Courtroom, dumb, funny, humor, Trial. But what if your lawyer is nothing like Saul Goodman and more like a babbling school girl? LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? – Anton Chekhov. LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? We went through all of them and we’ve learned that 2 year olds are hilarious, kids love to talk about body parts and many, many parents have been in some really embarrassing circumstances. Dumb and Funny Things Said In Court: The Scotland Chronicles. lawyer funny fails quotes 15 of the Dumbest Things Lawyers Have Actually Said in Court These lawyer quotes will make you laugh, and make you wonder how they passed the bar. February 1, 2012 ... judges have called out Scientology repeatedly over the … ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name?WITNESS: Borofkin.LAWYER: What's his first name?WITNESS: I can't remember.LAWYER: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?WITNESS: No. As anesthesia wears off, patients might not be thinking as clearly. Although, the Second Amendment people. LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?WITNESS: The victim lived. In any case, it makes for some pretty good comedy. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”. The live ones put up too much of a fight. Mar 6, 2018 - Explore Leslie Sanderson's board "Judge Judy Quotes..." on Pinterest. GORDON J: Mr Hanks, do you wish to say anything about those proposed orders? The 5 Worst Things Judges Have Said About Scientology by Tony Ortega. Funny Judge Jokes. In an interview with a conservative radio host earlier this year, Carson said it was “unconstitutional” that judges have ruled in favor of equality despite statewide ballot initiatives that resulted in different outcomes. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? In the heat of the moment, lawyers may also be asking some weird questions which often lead to confusion coupled with laughter. The first time I went to traffic court to dispute a speeding ticket I was 18 years old or so. You can read more about it and change your preferences. Maybe not these people though. He was wearing a mask.LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask?WITNESS: Er...his face. Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. I wonder if the attorney is CLOSE ENOUGH to find the answer. Despite the seriousness of a courtroom and everything that happens in it, this place also produces hilarious (unintentional) comedy. Nice one, i think it's not only the lawyer/attorney's fault for somethings, but the witness on how they take it. Nobody would like to end up on the wrong side of the court hearing (or any side at all), because your life belongs solely to the decision of a judge and the work of your lawyer. – Judge Goldberg in Schenk v. Commissioner, 686 F.2d 315 (5 th Cir. Weird children say weird stuff. It’s only fair to give people the benefit of the doubt, at the very least. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! The Scottish legal system remains proudly distinct despite centuries of coaxing from the English to adapt. (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name! 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Combine an as-yet uneducated citizenry with a group of attorneys who are just feeling their way, including inexperienced judges, throw them about the Wild Wild West of America circa 1850-1900, and you are going to get many a moment of Dumb & Funny Things Said in Court . LAWYER: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? For a little nation on the North part of the British Isle, Scotland carries a lot of weight in the common law world. LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? I need someone to record "My name is Susan!" I know, I'm reaching here, but ... could be. says the judge. The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.” The defendant said, “I m Sparks, I m an electrician, charged with battery.” The judge winced and said… – Ann Landers. What school did you go to? Sometimes, kids say something that's scarier than it is funny. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? The defendant herein is a truck, The vehicle is a pick-up, Alleged by a fed To be found in a bed Of marijuana, caught in the muck. well... this was just playing smart... it is a legitimate question, as in, have you lived here since you were born? 54. The responses were pretty darn funny! Sometimes rapid-fire questions lead to these kinds of silly questions. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? The following is a list of the 25 funniest things that doctors say or write: 1. where Pegg asks this kid (at a bar) when was his birth-day, and he answers this. See the funny things people said … Kids say the darnedest (funniest) things. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? That’s a shame. Despite the seriousness, courtroom drama and everything that happens in it, this place also produces hilarious (unintentional) comedy. LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like? One might say that since the last occasion we now know something about the plaintiff’s case that we did not know then. LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! and make it my ringtone. LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–. "If she gets to pick her judges – nothing you can do, folks. LAWYER: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?WITNESS: No.LAWYER: What was he doing with the dog's ears?WITNESS: Picking them up in the air.LAWYER: Where was the dog at this time?WITNESS: Attached to the ears. Judge Joke 1. Ooops! “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!” ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? © 2021 Shareably Media, LLC. WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there. LAWYER: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house? The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity. LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true? LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?WITNESS: Yes.LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?WITNESS: Yes, sir.LAWYER: What did she say?WITNESS: 'What disco am I at?'. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? That question should be taken out and shot. Lawyer: And in … ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 7. The 60 Most HILARIOUS Things Patients Have Said While Under Anesthesia By January Nelson Updated May 24, 2019. I even went to school for it. ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?OTHER LAWYER: Objection. LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? We have seen submissions. Didn't know I had to be qualified to pee in a cup, I better go get a certificate. LAWYER: So you were gone until you returned? Maybe the picture was TAKEN, as in stolen? LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--WITNESS: Thank you. 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Now, you can read the funny, strange things children ‘Me without you is like a nerd without braces, shoes without laces and ASentenceWithoutSpaces.’ ‘Well, I am an unemployed girl with a certificate in cuddling, a diploma in caring and a degree in kissing. Apparently it was funny. LAWYER: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?WITNESS: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.LAWYER: Can you identify the rifle?WITNESS: Yes. It’s so funny how the people who know the least about you, have the most to say. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app! He is based out of Belgium and can be reached at hi@shareably.net. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? Tex., 2001). It all depends where you fall on the Grinch-meter really. Posted in Lawyer Jokes. LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--. do you have any children or elderly or any other humans in any state of development? Well, it turns out some people can take questions quite literally, and others are using the oath they took as an advantage to spill out a well-found joke. OTHER LAWYER: Objection. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. The 5 Worst Things Judges Have Said About Scientology by Tony Ortega. The devil answered: “We have all of the judges.” Judge Joke 26 At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? You don’t like me? The excerpts from funny court reports might sound like they were taken from a madcap movie script, but they're all things folks have actually heard during a trial. That question should be taken out and shot. LAWYER: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question. LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? The Best Legal Advice Ever… ... was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: … GORDON J: A big change of attitude. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.” – Janet Evanovich “According to a new survey, 90% of men say … Despite the fact that courtrooms and their cases generally are very serious, there are a few judges, attorneys and witnesses around that can certainly see the humor in some things, even if it’s a bit unintentional. LAWYER: Are you married?WITNESS: No, I'm divorced.LAWYER: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?WITNESS: A lot of things I didn't know about. LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?WITNESS: Not yet. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? Sadly, even the judges ruling on sexual assault cases have said some utterly infuriating things about victims, and even about those accused of sexual assault, which reflect the … Here are 30 of the dumbest things people said in 2019: 1. I've seen these exact questions and answers at least 20 years ago. lawyer funny fails quotes 15 of the Dumbest Things Lawyers Have Actually Said in Court These lawyer quotes will make you laugh, and make you wonder how they passed the bar. Error occurred when generating embed. How memorable, you might ask? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? Kids say the darndest things, often to the surprise and confusion of their parents. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? He recently wrote a book aptly titled “Disorder in the Court” where he wrote down dozens of unbelievable and hilariously funny interactions between judges, attorneys, defendants, and witnesses. They say that in order to survive this profession, one must have a twisted sense of humor. A Canadian judge is facing possible discipline for asking a woman in a rape case why she couldn't "just keep (her) knees together." “Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.” “I’m sorry, your Honor,” says the man. Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book called Disorder in the Court. “Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man. this is... just so senseless...do they get paid by the amount words they are using? So here we have picked up a few funny things to say to your boyfriend. 73 times forgetting something important proved hilariously tragic. Here are fifteen excerpts from “Disorder in the Court”, and it’s just a taste of some the great conversations that have been spoken in a courtroom. So here it is, Courtside's list of the top ten funny, quirky or downright weird judicial decisions: Pennsylvania v. Dunlap (US Supreme Court, 07-1486, 2008). By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent … See more ideas about judge judy, judge judy quotes, judy. Since she's embarked on her journalistic endeavor, Giedrė has over 600 articles under her belt and hopes for twice as much (fingers crossed - half of them are about cats). While I doubt that all of these are exactly word-for-word true, this sort of thing does happen. Please SHARE this with your friends and family. 1982), a case about fertilizer and tax deductions. LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything? Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book of court records called Disorder in the Court. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?WITNESS: I only have one, you know. WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. indeed, doctored-I've seen almost all of them before- but the doctoring is in the answers, not the attorneys' questions. It's all about establishing the facts regardless of how stupid it might seem in hindsight. Thankfully, their parents have Twitter. – Judge Goldberg in Schenk v. Commissioner, 686 F.2d 315 (5 th Cir. Whether they are asking the tough questions about life or having a chat with their toys, sometimes the craziest things come out of the mouths of babes. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? Apparently, we have a lot to say about noses and nose picking. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? Some of them are. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. MR HANKS: We support them, your Honour. LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name? ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years. Charles M. Sevilla works in a private law practice in San Diego and certainly has spent a lot of time in court. i don't find it as funny as the others. second in the Cornetto trilogy? Kids say the darndest things, often to the surprise and confusion of their parents. Is the witness a paraspychological expect? "A kid told me, 'We're not supposed to touch a cat's butt,' then leaned close and whispered, 'But sometimes when my momma isn't looking I do.'" Please enter your email to complete registration. Scroll down to enjoy this priceless list and vote for your favorite entries! 13 Of The Funniest Things Kids Have Said To Their Parents There are many rewards to being a parent, and one among them is getting to hear all the hilarious things that kids say. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Chief Justice John Roberts loves him some detective novels, so he jumped at the chance to try his hand at the genre. Can I get a new attorney? LAWYER: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? Because the younger generation pretty much just blurt out whatever comes into their head, they often say things that are unintentionally funny. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Some things are funny, some are random, but one of the absolute creepiest things they ever said was — … Sometimes our friendly doctors do it by mistake, but most of them were probably just born with a great sense of humor. The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “So how do you plead?” “Not guilty” said the second defendant. The author describes his book as a “collection of verbatim exchanges from the halls of justice” to form “memorably insane comedy”. As a writer and image editor for Bored Panda, Giedrė crafts posts on many different topics to push them to their potential. Also, isnt this from Hot Fuzz? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?" LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?WITNESS: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words. Jonathan Maes is a contributing writer at Shareably. That's a pretty TIGHT question. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? Judge Joke 2. LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life? LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?WITNESS: After the accident?LAWYER: Before the accident.WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. LAWYER: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? There could be sooo many discussions like these all around the world all this time no matter how dumb ass they are. So here we have picked up a few funny things to say to your boyfriend. We respect your privacy. See the funny things people said after waking up from anesthesia. On puppies: ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?WITNESS: I went to Europe, sir.LAWYER: And you took your new wife? ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true? 1. Can I get a new attorney? The word you're looking for is 'attempted'. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. “I never said a word” the third defendant replied. I don’t know." This is true in the case of nurses as well as doctors. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Duck in a Truck. Sometimes we have brain farts. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. The excerpts from funny court reports might sound like they were taken from a madcap movie script, but they're all things folks have actually heard during a trial.

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